I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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