Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My pussy is not your playground.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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