I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
