at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
