when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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