Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
