im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
