omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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