She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
