wake up i wanna do it froggy style
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
