just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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