then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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