I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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