you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
