She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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