I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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