My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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