shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
