I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
