Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
