I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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