After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
