i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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