drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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