my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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