I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
