Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
