Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
