I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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