Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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