I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
