I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
