You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
