I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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