She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm bleeding and have questions
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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