I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Randomize
