i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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