I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
