yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
