Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
