so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
