Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
