He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
