if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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