There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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