And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
