Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
not ubering you a puppy
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
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