I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
