he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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