I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
